First just so you know.... I'm listening to the Cure (pornography to be precise)....A sure fire sign that everything is NOT a-ok.

I don't know how many times I have said this but I really hate people.

cept Matt and my dogs

ok so I don't really hate everyone, I'm just upset

how the fuck does this shit happen when I'm 27 years old and 10 years out of high school?!?

I got a call from a friend of mine all in tears coz apparently another so called friend of hers, and I thought mine, had said that I had said mean stuff to this other friends mother

FOR FUCKS SAKE

what the motherfuck is this bullshit?

so now I'm all fired up to yell at people and I have no one to yell at coz the person I want to yell at isn't home and besides all that I have this terrible fear that its all my fault somehow.


I just got this memory of watching Madonna on Oprah...Talking about Kabala an how we get what we deserve... Whether good or bad - its yours to own and accept and take responsibility for

so its January 2nd of a brand spanking new year that was going pretty well and its all got crap on it now.

big deep breathe.

I'm a little bit over a lot of things.

I think I need to make some new years resolutions.

1. Learn 2 new musical instruments
2. Learn 2 new skills
3. Be nicer.

I think I'm just really bored.

or at least highly unfulfilled in the life purpose area of my life.

I mean I have so much good stuff going on - husband house job health family pets money and a hammock - so really I have nothing to want for......

balbalbalbla

what ever

I can lose myself in Chinese art and American girls

I'm over it.

cept I'm not.


so I'm feeling very sorry for myself - that's obvious.


but how do you fix it?

listing to the cure isn't helping as much as I thought it would.

I'm thinking of moving to Iceland.

I've been wanting to go there for a long time

I'm just not sure about what there dog quarantine rules are.... And besides that Io would freeze.


I'm babbling shit.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKF

the stupid thing is that I'd just kinda gotten over the fact that I have to give up on the idea that my friends - my girlfriends from Perth - are never going to be the same kind of friends as they were before.

its not like we can just hang out and have a drink or go shopping or justwatch TV and eat chocolate when one of us is having a bad day or cry into our wine or laugh till we cry or any of that.


and I'm sad about it.

I feel like they've all died or something.

that I'm fucked myself over

that its all my fault coz I wanted to get out of Perth and live the high life....


so I guess this is my payoff.

I was just saying how everything has a price....And its apparently very true.

fucking fuck fuck shit

why is it so hard?


I've become one of those people I've always despised... The ones that don't do the right thing coz its easier to just let it go or even worse its less effort to just ruin something that fix it.

the human cost is of no consequence.

how did I get so detached? So unfeeling and desensitized?

its frightening.

but what's worse is that I' not sure how to come back from this.

how do you get your humanity back?

saying sorry or sending a card

dear friend,

I'm sending you this letter to let you know that I'm sorry our friendship has turned into less than a shadow of what it was.

I'm sending this letter to you all to say that I don't think its acceptable that we are no longer as close as we were.

Though I realize that shit happens, its really no excuse for not calling, writing or visiting to show you in real terms that I consider you a valuable person and an important part of my life.

I'm writing all this in the hope that maybe in some way we can perhaps begin to make steps towards a new kind of friendship and again be involved in eachothers lives - in whatever way.

So as part of my new year's resolve, I firstly want to say SORRY that I haven't written, called or visited. Sorry that I let things slip and slip til it was easier to just keep letting things slip that to call write or visit.

But I'm not stupid - I know this isn't a magic bullet. This isn't sposed to turn back time and make everything ok.

this is letter to say I miss you.

I love you and I miss you.

to let you know that I sometimes like to think about all the fun we used to have, the things we got up to and mostly all the laughs....

I just feel lonely sometime and I miss that when I really want a girlfriend, I don't have anyone to watch bold and the beautiful with and eat donuts.

that's all I wanted to say.

xxx
L