I'm in a mood.

i can't sleep and I've just been writing email to a succession of random people.


i just got back from Perth on Wednesday night.

i was only there for 5 days,

it's weird being back there



i really miss my family.
i love seeing them and hanging out with them and just doing all the dumb family stuff we have always done.

and i feel so strange.

like it's not my home anymore....but in some ways i felt that the role i play in my family is a lot more important and valued than i thought it was.

everyone seemed so glad to see me....

tears and hugs and stuff

but i just didn't feel any of it.

it all just rolled right off me.

i kept doing that thing i do - the telling of the funny stories and the jokes....stuff to divert the attention.

it always works,

people don't ever really care as much as they think they do.

so i appear to be all happy and involved, whilst really i'm not connecting at all. they only want the happy picture,

and as i'm telling all these jokes and stories , i am thinking....why don't they see?

why don't they care?

i don't behave like that with matt.

i guess i don't need to.


mostly i just really don't like people.


so much work for so little reward.

i just got an sms from a 'friend' that was basically just a cowardly underhanded bitchy comment.

if you are going to be bothered having an issue about something with someone, why not do it properly?!

why send an sms??? it makes no sense. If you're pissed off enough to feel the need to say something then why send a highly mis-conscueable totally mis-interpretable one???

I am sooooooooooo pissed off.

Now the dilemma is - do i respond or just ignore it?

obviously for the time being i have decided to write about it in a place where she will never see it.....but that's better for everyone.

I just don't get it.

I've fairly had it with with certain people.

there is no winning. and what does this shit matter in the long run anyway?

I have never kept a secret in my life....i am just not the kind of person that keeps things to myself. I always tell everyone everything! eventually. and yes i have gotten myself in trouble for it a million times...and yet it has not deterred me.

it is important to me that i am honest....i know it comes accross as gossipy a lot of the time....but that's fine....i love to gossip. It makes the world go round.

how do you expect to find things out if you don't ask and talk about them.

but i'm not malicious.....well not on purpose.

i talk too much......i know this. I can't help it.

it's much easier to remain an enigma when all you ever talk about is what is going on with other people.

even when you seem to be talking about yourself...


so what do i do?

my first reaction was to just ignore it and go to bed.

then as i was laying in bed fuming about it i decided that i should just get it off my chest in a safe manner.....hence the blog

but now, where do i go?

do i just ignore it and pretend like i never saw it? just go on with things as though they never happened??

my strongest feeling is that i should just cut off all communications. i won't call, sms, email etc. until she does first.

it's just bullshit.

and wha'ts even more dumb is its about something that happened months ago. Why wait til now to say something.... i saw her in person no even two days ago.

I am just over it.

i told matt that we should just move to iceland.

somewhere where ppl will be less likely to want to still keep in touch.

but really there is only one solution. tell everyone i know what has happened and see who has the best idea for dealing with this problem...like a always do

i've already started the spreading of the word

but what does it matter? she will never find out or even care about the hours of anguish i put myself through because of one stupid sms



i still just don't understand.

why would you bother creating such a mess if you didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

FOR FUCK"S SAKE

i give up and i'm going to bed

i'm not going to call he or reply or anything...here is lies - a festering putrid stain


xxx
L

got a link from elissa today.



www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm

its a personality test. here are my results:


I'm an ENFP - extroverted, intuitive, feeling perceptive
which is:
· slightly expressed extrovert
· distinctively expressed intuitive personality
· moderately expressed feeling personality
· slightly expressed perceiving personality

http://keirsey.com/personality/nfep.html

The Champion Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in accomplishing their aims, and informative and extraverted when relating with others. For Champions, nothing occurs which does not have some deep ethical significance, and this, coupled with their uncanny sense of the motivations of others, gives them a talent for seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. This type is found in only about 3 percent of the general population, but they have great influence because of their extraordinary impact on others. Champions are inclined to go everywhere and look into everything that has to do with the advance of good and the retreat of evil in the world. They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives. And then they are eager to relate the stories they've uncovered, hoping to disclose the "truth" of people and issues, and to advocate causes. This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out.
Champions consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life, although they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in the experience. Thus, while they strive for emotional congruency, they often see themselves in some danger of losing touch with their real feelings, which eNFps possess in a wide range and variety. In the same vein, eNFps strive toward a kind of spontaneous personal authenticity, and this intention always to "be themselves" is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find it quite attractive. All too often, however, eNFps fall short in their efforts to be authentic, and they tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, berating themselves for the slightest self-conscious role-playing.


http://typelogic.com/enfp.html

by Marina Margaret Heiss

Profile: ENFP
Revision: 2.21
Date of Revision: 3 Dec 02



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



[The following comes partially from the archetype, but mostly from my own dealings with ENFPs.]

General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature E NFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

Functional Analysis

Extraverted iNtuition
The physical world, both geos and kosmos, is the ENFP's primary source of information. Rather than sensing things as they are, dominant intuition is sensitive to things as they might be. These extraverted intuitives are most adept with patterns and connections. Their natural inclination is toward relationships, especially among people or living things.

Intuition leans heavily on feeling for meaning and focus. Its best patterns reflect the interesting points of people, giving rise to caricatures of manner, speech and expression.

Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary feeling is nonverbally implied more often than it is openly expressed. When expressed, this logic has an aura of romance and purity that may seem out of place in this flawed, imperfect world. In its own defense, feeling judgement frequently and fleetly gives way to humor. ENFPs who publicize their feelings too often may put off some of the crowd of friends they naturally attract.

Extraverted Thinking
Thinking, the process which runs to impersonal conclusions, holds the extraverted tertiary position. Used on an occasional basis, ENFPs may benefit greatly from this ability. Less mature and lacking the polish of higher order functions, Thinking is not well suited to be used as a prominent function. As with other FP types, the ENFP unwary of Thinking's limitations may find themselves most positively mistaken.

Introverted Sensing
Sensing, the least discernible ENFP function, resides in the inner world where reality is reduced to symbols and icons--ideas representing essences of external realities. Under the influence of the ever-present intuition, the ENFP's sensory perceptions are in danger of being replaced by hypothetical data consistent with pattern and paradigm. When it is protected and nourished, introverted sensing provides information about the fixed. From such firm anchoring ENFPs are best equipped to launch into thousands of plausibilities and curiosities yet to be imagined.

Perhaps the combination of introverted Feeling and childlike introverted Sensing is responsible for the silent pull of ENFPs to the wishes of parents, authority figures and friends. Or perhaps it's the predominance of indecisive intuition in combination with the ambiguity of secondary Fi and tertiary Te that induces these kind souls to capitulate even life-affecting decisions. Whatever the dynamic, ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends.

Famous ENFPs:
Franz Joseph Haydn, composer Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)
Will Rogers, humorist
Buster Keaton
Theodor "Dr." Seuss Geisel, children's author (The Cat in the Hat)
Mickey Rooney, actor
James Dobson, "Focus on the Family"
Andy Rooney, television news commentator
Carol Burnett, comedian
Paul Harvey, radio announcer
Elizabeth Montgomery, actor (Bewitched)
Bill Cosby, comedian, actor (Ghost Dad)
Dom Delouise, actor
Dave Thomas, owner of Wendy's hamburger chain
Lewis Grizzard, newspaper columnist
I. King Jordan, president of Gallaudet University
Martin Short, actor-comedian
Meg Ryan, actor (When Harry Met Sally)
Robin Williams, actor, comedian (Dead Poet's Society, Mrs. Doubtfire)
Sandra Bullock, actor (Speed, While You Were Sleeping)
Robert Downey (Heart and Souls)
Alicia Silverstone (Clueless)
Sinbad
Andy Kaufman

Fictional:
Dr. Doug Ross (ER)
Balkie (Perfect Strangers)
Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Steve Irkle

-----Original Message-----
From: :::Laura Mascaro::: [mailto:astra@global.net.au]
Sent: Wednesday, 14 May 2003 9:50 AM
To: Wilson, Elissa; Yolanda Ierardo (E-mail); Wyatt, Deborah
Cc: matthew hackling
Subject: Re: FW: if you want more, I'll get the whole article


The old saying, you can't judge a book by its cover, has a place in almost every situation life throws at you...including watching Buffy!

If these assumptions have been made as a result of watching Buffy on tv in Australia, then they just need to hold onto your horses and see it through a little bit more.

I think that any true fan would never question the genius of Sir Joss and have faith that all things happen for a reason and as if Joss would allow the last season to be crap! which is why when journalists and academics, who fancy themselves a bit too much, write about things they haven't really got a clue about...they become a scourge on our society and should go live all the lawyers.


finally, i think that the 'Spike loves Buffy' story line is something that most fans have been loving, and pushing for, for the last few seasons. Spike is a great character and James Marsters is HOT! So what does it matter if some the focus is on the growing entanglement of Buffy and Spike, which btw, does become a vital part of the end play - and again we are back to my original point -

don't judge a book by its cover!

xxx
L


it's very early in the morning...and i'm cranky





At 02:17 PM 13/05/2003 +1000, Wilson, Elissa wrote:

Hmmm...I don't agree! What do you think?
-----Original Message-----
From: Williams, Rose
Sent: Tuesday, 13 May 2003 2:09 PM
To: Wilson, Elissa
Subject: if you want more, I'll get the whole article

May 13, 2003 | A once-good show becomes a bad one through the unexpected popularity of a posturing, vaguely thuggish minor character in a black leather jacket. In television, as in life, events tend to repeat themselves. First there was "Happy Days," where a charming show about growing up in the '50s was revamped to focus on the Fonz. And now there's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," which has been all but destroyed by the Fonzie of our time: Spike.

As "Buffy" comes to an end, its fans are debating where to place the blame for the mediocrity of this season. Was it the introduction of a team of Slayers-in-Training, all of them so annoying that fans were happy to see some of them get killed? Was it the overemphasis on irrelevant new characters like Kennedy and Principal Wood? Was it the decision to build the season around a villain (the First Evil) who can't touch anything or do anything at all except talk and talk and talk? Well, that's part of it.

But the problems with this season can be traced to a moment at the very end of the last good episode, "Conversations With Dead People." That's the moment when Buffy found out that Spike, blond vampire, attempted rapist, and current possessor of a soul, had somehow been killing people despite his souled status. From that point on, the show has no longer been about Buffy and her friends, or Buffy and her mission, or anything that used to be interesting on this show. It's been about Buffy and Spike. And that's about all.

i'm leaving Perth to head back home this arvo - get in about 10pm ish.

i had a really great day yesterday. Ingrid picked me up at around 10am ish and we went into Freo. Caught the Cat bus to try and find this cafe, which was miles away and we ended up walking 10 blocks only to find it was closed.
We then had to run back to the bus stop to catch the bus again as it continued on its lop back into Freo.
We then went to Benny's for brunch.

Fleur met up with us at about 11.45am and it was decided that it was cocktail time !! :)

so we had a few cocktails (Ingrid was heading off to work so she was being sensible and only had one) then a glass of wine. At about 1.30pm Ingrid left for work, fleur and I finished up our wines and then moved onto the Sail & anchor by 2pm

by this stage we were fairly tipsy, coz the only food i'd eaten was a croisssant and fleur only had some olives and fetta. SO we immediately ordered a bottle of wine sat down and drank it in a hurry coz i was being picked up at 3pm, by my mother.

so by the end of the bottle we were both fucked.

I then had to pull it all together so i sustain a conversation with my mum....but also my grandmother who my mum was taking me out to visit!

anyway, i think i pulled it off without too much trouble.

But i so miss having girlfriends.

no offence to you boys. But its just not the same.

besides none of you are ever avaiable for mid-day cocktails.

I wonder what Taryn is up to these days. I miss her. If anyone sees her in their travels,tell her to call me.

I am going to miss my family.

i am really looking forward to coming over for a month at the end of the year.

HI

so this is my blog.

I am in Perth at the moment...it's been a strange trip.
I mostly came to see my grandmothers, which i have sucessfully done. Both are getting on and one has been a bit unwell.
But i really feel out of the gang here.
I've been gone too long to still be actively involved in peoples day to day circles of life, even my families.
But on the other hand not gone so long that i don't care about seeing these poeple.

So i've spent a lot of time just hanging out by myself.

which is fine, i've had fun anyway... i'm just lamenting the fact that nothing stays the same, I guess.

I think that Matt and I will try to spend a month here over xmas. We will live in our house, coz the tenants will have just moved out by then.
Actually, there is room for others....Hamish?? if you need a place to stay when you're here.....if you are coming that is.

You know what i miss most about Perth? Fremantle harbour.

I just love living next to the harbour. not even for the lights and the water or any of that stuff....but for the ships and the cargo and the way you know that the something is always arriving or leaving

like watching as thousands of cars are unloaded and lined up...or as the cattle are herded from the trucks to the boats...

oh and the sailors :)

much to Matt's constenation, I do have a thing for sailors.

and US Marines.

Hamish and I went down a man-hole on the lower eck of a huge big warship a few years back. It was amazing.

more amazingly, no-one seemed to mind too much, we joined up with a private tour going on and got to see the intimate workings of life as a sailor and or marine.
I wonder if we could get away such a thing in this day and age?

There is this huge great thing at the A shed end of the harbour that really want to go see. It looks like the opera house.

There is just so much stuff going on.

It's like watching the economy live and breathe.

that's sounds so wanky...but you get what i mean?!?