DULL SOULESS DANCE MUSIC

matt is giving the puppies a bath.

they hate having baths.

Matt and i got up early (well early for a saturday) and went out to Bridge rd. i was going back to get my t-shirt, but he sold it on thursday and said he's getting another one in for me for tomorrow....

but we found this reall cool jumper for matt. it's really cool.

then we went over to Smith St. we were sposed to meet hamish and crew at 12pm... but we were early and they were late.

but that was cool. Matt and I had a very lovley breakfast. the place we went to is called Gluttony it's fucking awesome.

in a fantastic food way. the actual place is cool but nothing too special.

the hot chocolate was mostly real melted chocolate...and we had these HUGE feasts of eggs bacon and salad and thuck slices of toast and tomato and potato and the most delicious sauces and butters......

we we ate our late breakfast and played with the bluetooth stuff btn my mobile and matt's pal pilot.

half way through we swapped plates...

but we were so stuffed that we left heaps of food behind.

so then i got into the whole big talk about my rant last night.

we had a long chat...i got a bit teary but it was good.

i love matt so much.

and he gets it. it doesn't always get me...but i guess it doesn't matter coz when it matters he always does.

so we had a big big talk....

and its good.

well good in that i fel less isolated i guess...

so enough of that story.

Mik and Hamish arrived at about 1.30pm ish.

we had finished and were digesting happily. It was nice to change the topic of conversation to more lighthearted banter...

we're all going to go to John's going away party tonight.

blblalaa

went home and took the dogs out for a run at the park.

which is why they got muddy feet and needed to have a bath.

i think i'm gonna go have a nap.

i'm not coping very well.


i just wrote the biggest rant of my life.... possblely the most important thing i've written (important to my personal sanity) and it disappeared.

it published as an error message.

i don't think i can handle this at the moment.

i've been in tears for the last hour and a half.

just sitting here typing and quietly sobbing over my laptop.

how can this shit keep happening to me.

i just can't keep up this fake smile and the bullshit lies and the fucking sadness in my chest.

its too much.

too too much

i'm so sad and unhappy i just can't find anything to be happy about.


this rage in my stomach....all this anger i have....i figured it all out....it was all in the blog that got eaten.

and its all gone.

i've never in my whole life felt so hopeless and enraged at the same time.




but i don't care if it was fate stepping in to stop me from publishing things i might regret....

it's in my head now.

i've put my finger on it...


my anger, my rage....i know where its all from now.



i've been quietly fuming for months about the way my path has been so forced out of my hands and into a 'sensible' track.

Matt's dad has a lot to answer for.

i figured it all out. i put my finger on the exact moment and the exact feeling that led me here.

to this fucking awful place where i feel like shit and so estranged from everything and everyone.

how dare he make us feel like we have to prove ourselves to him?

how dare he plant his seeds of doubt and cultivate fear?


the KILLCRUSHDESTROY every sunday at 12 noon ish.

i just couldn't stand to watch and hear matt have to constantly defend our life and me and my choices to his dad. I just felt so bad that i was putting matt in such a position... that he had to justify things to his family.

and he kept going on about how hard how difficult how unprofitable how pointless our dreams were......that it was our dream to do the winery thing.

and then one day, i guess he just got to me. i felt bad for matt and i let his fear in and i got infected with doubt, fear and guilt.


what kind of person does this to this own family?

how can he not know what he's doing?



and now that i've figured it out, i don't even feel better.... i feel worse.

how is it possible that after all these years and after all the stupid htings i've done in my time that i let this man under my guard and make me doubt myself?


Why??

do you know what i should be doing right now??

i should be on my mid-year uni break... having just finished up my exams.... i should be trying to decide where to do my work experience....matt and i should be planning trips to NZ wine country or brushing up on our spanish so we can spend a month in spain working on a vineyard....

but instead i'm tearing myself apart with guilt and doubt....stuck.

totally stuck.

this far away from giving it up for the BORG.

how did i let this happen?

i swore to myself.... to the world that i would never work for 'the man' again.

that i wouldn't be part of the machine that is chewing up humanity.

and here i am...and the verge of commencing this oh so un-inspiring life in financial customer service.


i could be anything.... i should be anything else but this....anywhere else but here.


how did i let this happen?



HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?



i'm so angry.




MY SCREAM GOT LOST IN A PAPER CUP



how do i tell matt all this?



i've been so distant. i guess all that anger makes it hard to be my usual loving self.


all these fucked up decisions i've made in the last 6 months coz i've been running from the big mistake that started it all off.


i'm so ashamed of myself for giving in to someone elses bullshit fears and pathetic inadequacies.



i know i was made for bigger things than he could ever even imagine....and i know that matt and i will do it..and he can go fuck himself.




i'm

so today's antics.

not much to tell.

hey o got a new mobile phone last weekend. did i mention that??

NEC e606.

i have been using it mostly for takig pics and videos. its so cool.

oh....so after work i went into the city,

went to lincraft and bought a pattern for making coats for the dogs. when we go to the park for runs they get really cold and wet. especially Io. i am going to make them little coats that have long arms and legs. and little boots so that when they go running on the wet grass they don't get muddy feet.

so tomorrow i'm going to take matty out to buy some clothes and then i'm going to sew up some outfits for the girls

After Lincraft I walked past a nail place and decided to get my nails done.

had a buff and polish.

when i start my new job i'm going to schedule in weekly shape and paints and fortnightly manicures.

looking forward to it.

my nail technician is nice enough.

i find that the best part of getting your nails done is the mindless banter with the technician.

its a very legally blonde thing.

for those of you who haven't had your nails done.... go to it tomorrow.

even the boys.

i made matt get his nails done a while ago. he loved it.

its nice when boys have clean shiny clean nails.

and matt had his done at that place with the hot girls.

then i met up with matt and watched the critical mass/protest thing...go by. must have been about 500 or so people of bikes. it was cool.

caught the tram and got home at about 6,30pm

told you it was boring,

going to drinks with John W and crew morrow night.

he's leaving for japan and UK next week,

it's going to be so exciting for him.. i really hope it all goes well.

i wish i was going on a big adventure.

well matt has gone to bed now. and i'm totally exhasted too. going to finish watchig todays episode of days of our lives and then go to bed.

its a big BIG BIG Friday night at my house!! it's not even 8pm and Matt is already asleep

big days for everyone.

Matt got a payrise!! and it was my last day at the markets

so anyway let me do my thursday back-blog...

it started like any other day ... :)

matt went into work early and Anf and I took the tram intothe city, i got off at the markets and anf went into the city to do some shopping and touristing.

ozlem was at the markets so it was fun to have someone to talk to and stuff....

Anf met me at the markets at about 1.40pm we got some ugly ugly fake flowers my mum wanted us to get her....she saw them when whe was here...and then we went and had some lunch.

went home and then went to highpoint and blabalba

bascially highly boring. drove anf to the airport and then went home and crashed early.

i am sooooooooooooooooooo exhausted.

one whole month of house guests

we have had 9 differrent people stay and visit. have had only a few tourist free days.

we are totally broke and worn out.

got some new clothes on wednesday. got a new skirt that i LOVE!! got it from curren$y on bridge rd.

that place always has little treasures of funky clothing goodness

also got this cool t-shirt its black and has a black shiny goat on it. going back to pick up another t-shirt which is pink and has a little girl with a dove in one hand and a blood dripping knife in the other and an evil look in her eye.

its cool,

i have been addicted to Days of our lives of late.... so much so that i've been taping it and watching it back at night time.

i love it.

OOOOO

just quickly,

don't you freak out that so many people are reading your blog?

its kina bizarre.

but that's besdie the point...

today at the markets, my cousins cousin appeared.

she's in town for a few days and was shopping. anyway, her name is veronica. she has a sister called charmaine.

these girls are absolutely gorgeous

when i was younger i always had a bit of a thing for them.....not in a sexual way.. but in an awe inspiring way.

they both have these amazingly huge smiles and they're always so happy and kind and good and enthused and genuine about it all.

they're just perfect.

and even though V must be nearly 30 she's just the same as she was 15 years ago.

isn't it bizarre the way life throws ppl randomly into your life??

like seriously....i just happen to know , quite well, all of my cousins cousins. most people don't even know their own first cousins let alone the extended versions.

but its just weird.

to think back to how when you were young how all these ppl fit into your life....in the smallest way and yet have such a big impact of how you turn out...even though they will proll never know it.

i'm so tired and i'm talking shit.

well well well

i am fairly tired actually....

worked today and my perfume dude boss offered to sell me the business.... hows that for a spanner in the works?

so i'm still tossing and turning and stressing about my decisions.

i just have this feeling that i am going to regret leaving this job.

but whatever.

blablablabla i'm so over worrying about it all the time.

so my brother is here...which is cool.... i'm just so tired of doing the tourit thing.... and i have NO money left at all.

but its cool to hang out with him.

he went to alice springs and eyer's rock before he came to melb.... the photos are amazing


in other news, my upstairs neighbour bought some point shoes....as in Ballet dancing en pointe dancing shoes.

she's soooo excited. they are pretty cool.

she said she is going to dye them red, which should look awesome. she's also doing work experience with the australian ballet company...

ishould point out that she has done NO ballet at all in her 22 years.... but she's a costumer. so she's just playing the eccentric card i think....but good for her.

i think she's tops and i have a feeling that it'll all work out for her....

you know how you can just tell that some people are going to work their dream til it all falls into place.

i hope it does. she's a great person.

so i sound like i'm all ga ga....but i mean it.

i start my new job next week.

i'm kinda freaking at the prospect of a new job, still need to get some new clothes for the occasion.

OHOHOHH i totally forogt

yesterday arvo my bro and me went to Ramsey street.

ie. where they film neigbours.
so we got there and the street was blocked off and there were a group of ppl standing behind the barriers watching them film int he street.

it was pretty cool.

they were shooting a scene with delta goodram and the guys who play jack scully and connor and jo scully.

and then who should be standing with the group of ppl.....(which were all mostly english backpackers trying to see delta goodram.)
but three girls from my high school.

they were actually in my brothers class but one of them was my friends sarah's younger sister...so i knew them all.

it was really weird....to see three ppl you knew from nearly 10 years ago and to see them in ramsey st.!


seriously what are the chances?!?!

well i've had enough babble... i'm totally exhausted.

gotta do the shopping hting morrow with my little bro.

xxx
L

did i tel you about the 2 gorgeous goth girls standing on the corner this morning??

there were wearing fishnets long boots and very short school girl skirts.

very cute

i believe this brings us to sunday... today.

got up early..played with new phone some more. finished putting in all the new numbers etc

went to safeway in my pjs coz i had to buy new washing up gloves and crumpets and eggs

i have bought 3 paris of washing up gloves int he last 2 weeks.

the first pair were those fangdangly new ones...they wre really good but their small size was too big on me.

so they are now matt's

then i bought some other cheaper gloves. and they SUCK ASS

they were really slippery and had no insulation at all..kept burning my hands

so i went back to my ol' faithfuls Chux purple gloves.

did all the washing up and was very satisfied.

matt got up and i made crumpets for us and scrambled eggs on rice bubbles with milk for the puppilies. they love it

we did some more laundry and then more x-files and finally got our acts together to go check out this house that was open for inspection.

ITS PERFECT!

i really want it. matt does too.

two big bedrooms upstairs...and over the master bedroom is a loft/study. its really cool. the ensuite has a bath and the walkin robe is huge and has a dressing area?!?

downstairs is also prety tops. nice kitchen, big lounge dining area and an actual laundry!!!!!

i miss having a seperate laundry.

there is also a little courtyard downstairs and a substantial balcony upstairs.

YAY for the house!

then we went to pick up my brother from the airport.

we went straight to brunswick st and had a late late lunch at Babka's.

i love that place. everything is so delicious. i had smoked salmon on rye.

then we went home so my bro could get changed coz he was catching up with a friend of his

so we were going to drive him to richmond.....but just around the corner we stopped at an intersection and the car just conked out!

died in the ass totally.

would not start. it was making all the right noises but just wouldn't fire up.

so a guy came and knocked on the window and helped matt and Anf roll the car over to the other side of the interection.

i was steering. i was freaking out coz the breaks wouldn't work.

but i put the handbreak on and that worked.

matt fiddled around with engine stuff for a while but nothing worked.

i went into safeway to buy some salt. coz in sicilian superstition throwing salt on stuff gets rid of evil eye curses.

but that didn't work.

so matt and Anf pushed the car again and i steered and we moved it down the street around the corner and parked it in front of the video store. where it hopefully still is now!

;so there you have it.

i'm exhasted,

going to go to bed soon i spose.

kiss kiss to you all

ok saturday got up early....mostly coz i went to bed early/

did a few house things and then headed into the city to do some shopping.

got a new skirt adn a new top and a NEW MOBILE!!!

its so cool

check it out at 3 its a NEC 606e

its one of those cool 3g phones.

you know the ones you can take photos witha nd take videos with and video calls and internet stuff.

matt tranfered a whole cd worth of music onto my phone.....stores about 40Mb of music apparently.

so i was very happy with my purchases

went home and had a nap.

did some more laundry and watched some more x-files.

fell alseep on the couch....another very good and happy day.

was one of those days when being in love is so warm and fuzzy and good.

love you matty!!

can i just say that i'm about to explode!!!!!!!!!!

i just wrote the most hugest blog and it got eaten EATEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mutherfucker

so i don't think i could bare to re-write it all

but it was all quite brilliant

but i'm watching a fish called wanda so i guess i could give it a go.


but i think i'll do it in reverse order this time

so i will start with tonight.

so...i'll go backt o friday

FRiday.

see the new link with the pics i took at rialto. mik hamih and i went up to the top to check out the view.

i love it up there

we had a beer....i laughed and spat out a mouthful of crown lager on the window :)

so anyway, hamish was bursting with hungry and there was no food coz the brisbane lions were havng a thing...so we got 1/2 our money back!!


which was cool

then we went to SHANGHAI DUMPLINGS in chinatown. i love that place. matt hates it coz karyn told hima story about some random person who told someone that they saw a van of crusty green meat being unloaded intot the kitchen....blabalba

i don't care.. i love that its asty cheap and always so crowded.

in the lane way next to it there is a massive piece of art.

its a giant safe. and it has rope around it and it looks like it was being hoisted up to somewhere and then fell and got wedged btwn two buildings.

pretty cool

after that we went to Croft institute.

business must be booming coz they have a new video projector int he alley way projecting weird stuff onto the wall at teh end of the alley.

then matt and i went home..did some laundry and watched x-files i fell asleep really early.

that was about it.

great day in all.

it was really good to see mik. i realised i miss him.

love you Mik!!

i'm a few days worth of blog behind schedule.

its not that i've been that busy, but i have been doing lots of stuff.

so thursday was my last blog.

on friday i did some laundry and then met up with Mik in the city.

we did a bit of shopping. he bought some shirts

then we met up with Hamish at his place and headed out for some food..... but ended up on the top of Rialto tower. i love it up there. i should attach some photos....right brb